Long distance relationships

How to Decide Between Two Lovers

Mary Smith
By Mary Smith. Updated: January 16, 2017
How to Decide Between Two Lovers

Many people believe that it is not possible to love two people at once but it is more common than you think. Deciding between two lovers is not an easy task and is, in many cases, very painful. However, love can't be controlled and sometimes you can fall in love with two people at the same time who possess characteristics that you like. In the end, you'll have to reach a point where you decide who is the most appropriate. This is a very personal decision which requires deep reflection and it's likely that you'll rarely reach a decision without having any doubts.

Despite the complexity of the decision, OneHowTo wants to give you guidelines on how to decide between two lovers so you can make the best possible decision.

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Steps to follow:


In order to decide between two lovers, you should first make a list of positive and negative aspects about each of them. Rate how they behave in different situations and assess what is most important to you.

Some aspects which can be analysed in this way include:

  • Sense of humour
  • Intelligence
  • Sympathy
  • Common sense
  • Closeness
  • Sweetness
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Self-confidence
  • Empathy
  • Assertiveness
  • Good conflict resolution
  • Patience
  • Compatible future plans
  • Tolerance

In any case, you can add or remove traits that are not relevant to you and amend your preferences. Although this list can help you to find your bearings, it can also be complicated when trying to remain objective and distant, so really listen to your heart while you're composing this list. It can also be a very reliable indicator of what you want so be careful!

How to Decide Between Two Lovers - Step 1

You should also think about how you feel about him/her. When it comes to deciding, it's important that you assess how they make you feel, if you are happy, if you feel free, if you get on well, etc. To follow, we suggest a series of questions so you can assess them in each case:

  • Can you be yourself?
  • Do you feel relaxed?
  • Do you have fun with him/her?
  • Do you have similar interests?
  • Do your hopes, wishes and aspirations in life match?
  • If they don't match, do you feel valued and respected?
  • Do you admire him/her to some degree?

It's possible that you may sometimes feel attracted to a person who is very different to you, you like their way of life, how they think, how they act, etc. However, it's also possible that this difference may become a problem in the long run, so it can lead to more concerns than anything else. Learning how to detect if what you feel is friendship or love is essential when making this type of decision about someone.

How to Decide Between Two Lovers - Step 2

On the other hand, you also need to assess what they feel for you because you may end up choosing one and then that person does not want anything to do with you. So OneHowTo gives you some questions that you should answer with complete honesty and, that way, it may be easier for you to decide.

  • Do you feel loved equally by both of them?
  • Are you just a bit of fun to them or do they want something serious?
  • Do they seem mature enough to be able to start a stable relationship, if that's what you want?
  • Do they have other close "relationships" with people besides you?
  • Are you sure about their feelings towards you?

OneHowTo gives you some tips to help you know if you are in love.


We also recommend that you ask for advice from people you trust. If you can, ask people who know both of you, as to what they think about them and your relationship. Be sure to consult people who really appreciate you and who you feel have particularly good judgment and objectivity.

How to Decide Between Two Lovers - Step 4

Do not rush when making the decision. It is important to take your time as it is a complex decision. Do not let anyone hurry you, but you should also be honest with them and not play both sides.


Trust your instincts. The truth is that while other peoples' opinions can help, only you can make the decision. You probably know the answer already at the bottom of your heart, but sometimes you can be guided by superfluous things that stop you from appreciating what you really feel. Rate the person and how they make you feel, not everything that surrounds them.

If you want to read similar articles to How to Decide Between Two Lovers, we recommend you visit our Sentimental relationships category.

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How to Decide Between Two Lovers