How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy

By Mary Smith. Updated: August 2, 2020
How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy

Sexual fantasies can be hard enough to admit to ourselves, let alone telling your boyfriend or partner about them. This is in part due to the unhelpful stigma around our sexual desires. This stigma can come from many places; culture, religion or strict families to name a few. But being open and honest with ourselves about our sexual fantasies can be a rewarding emotional experience, not just a physical one (although the physical one can be pretty fantastic). If you want to get closer to your partner and help explore your sexual fantasy in a healthy way, keep reading oneHOWTO and find out how to tell your boyfriend your sexual fantasy.

Before you reveal your fantasy

You may notice the title of this article is when to tell your boyfriend your sexual fantasy. This criteria can be broadened a little. Anyone of any identification can struggle with their sexual thoughts. The quality of your relationship will have a bigger difference in how you reveal your sexual fantasy than how you identify.

On one end of the spectrum is someone you barely know. Perhaps you have met someone at a bar and gone back to theirs. They've nipped off to the bathroom for a quick flannelling of the particulars and you're frantically googling only to find this article. There could be some wisdom in this approach. If you don't have a relationship in the first place, then you are in no danger of irreversibly damaging it. It's possible that you have spent your time flirting over the idea of a fantasy. It could even be that having a one night (or half-night) stand is the fantasy.

If you want to tell your sexual fantasy to someone you don't know well, it's wiser to be cautious. As you don't know them, you can't guarantee their reaction. You might have a connection, but it's all been fun and games, so it could be disappointing. It could even be antagonistic, so it's best to be careful. Being in this position implies (implying not meaning) that you are both in a carefree, open space. If so, it might be easier for you to express your fantasy than if you were in a relationship. Sexual fantasies can be a tricky area. Many require a certain level of trust you won't find with a stranger.

The other end of the relationship spectrum is a long-term partner or spouse. This comes with its own difficulties when broaching such an often sensitive subject. Knowing how sensitive the subject is can help. You might want to tell your boyfriend your sexual fantasy because you had a fleeting thought which piqued your interest. If so, consider how they will feel if you tell them something you haven't given much consideration.

Even a casual mention of being with someone else or a bigger penis can rile insecurities in your partner. If you are not actually serious about these thoughts then it could lead to an argument or hurt feelings which could have been avoided. If you are serious about these fantasies then, you might have botched your chance to make them a reality. This sounds a little like your boyfriend is a big baby and his feelings are prioritized over your desires, but that's not the case. It's more to do with respect and finding a healthy way to address these desires. This is unless your fantasy is for your boyfriend to dress up as a big baby, then you may be on to a winner.

Sometimes the sexual fantasy you want to tell your boyfriend is a little more considered. It might even be distracting you from your routine and keeping you awake at night. If you have been with someone for a long time, then there are other considerations. Are you having these fantasies because you are bored of your sex life? The emotional bonds we have with people we have known for a long time can sometimes fray. It's possible a poor sex life is helping to fuel your sexual fantasy.

Telling your boyfriend about your sexual fantasy when things are a little unstable in a relationship can be tricky. Having a rocky relationship can affect anyone's self-esteem, so it's wise to be cautious. However, it could be that expressing this fantasy will help build your relationship back up. Disclosing your fantasies can be a way to strengthen bonds and stimulate intimacy.

How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy - Before you reveal your fantasy

What is your sexual fantasy

Your sexual fantasy is just that, a fantasy. Fantasizing about being with someone else or having domination fantasies doesn't mean you want to break up with someone or want to be treated cruel outside of sex. Fetishes, fantasies, proclivities... whatever your own (oh peccadilloes, that's another one) desires are, they are personal. They may say something about who you are on a deep level, but then again, they may not. If you are having certain sexual fantasies, before you tell your boyfriend about them, you should make sure you are OK with them.

Fantasies are taboo for a reason. They play off of our innermost feelings and these can come from many sources. They do reveal something about ourselves, so they may need to be treated with some delicacy. First off, because you have sexual fantasies doesn't mean you have some hidden trauma in your past or have some deep psychological disorder. Having sexual fantasies means you are a normal human being. They can range from many sources, some with easily discernible meanings, others not. Sexual fantasy cannot only stimulate physical pleasure, but it can often be a way to foster stronger emotional bonds. Fantasizing about other partners. Revealing kinks. Allowing for imagination. They all can be productive, natural and beneficial ways to strengthen relationships. Even, or especially, your relationship to yourself.

It is possible they come from somewhere which is not so healthy. Human psychology is a multi-faceted, complicated thing. Although not the case for the majority of sexual fantasies, there are correlations to the status of a person's mental health. The range of sexual fantasies is also very wide, but it can go to some dark places. These may include rape or incest fantasies. These are not unhealthy fantasises in their own right, but having these fantasies can have a range of interpretations. If telling your boyfriend your sexual fantasy was always easy, you wouldn't be reading an article on how to do it. Be careful. Understand there are healthy ways to explore your sexual fantasy and unhealthy ways. If you have any anxieties or concerns about your sexual fantasy, it is advisable to see a mental health professional.

You also need to be sure you want to enact your sexual fantasy. Many people have sexual fantasies which only work when they remain a fantasy. You should think whether it will be beneficial to make them into something practical. They might be more useful to keep to yoourself. It can still be rewarding and enjoyable, even if it is secretive. It may also be something you talk about with friends, but not something you want to disclose to your boyfriend.

How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy - What is your sexual fantasy

Where and when to tell your boyfriend your sexual fantasy

Like most things in a relationship, timing is everything. As sexual fantasy can be a sensitive issue, finding somewhere both you and your boyfriend feel comfortable will give a better chance of the idea going down well. This is most likely somewhere private when the two of you are alone. If you do it on public transport or in a room with lots of people you know, it is understandable for you both to feel self-conscious and put up barriers. If you do it in an open and comforting environment, there will be a greater chance of a positive response.

You might want to do it when you are having an honest conversation. You and your boyfriend might not be having a conversation about something sexual, but you can find a way to bring it round. You should look out for signs where your boyfriend or partner may be more receptive to new ideas. This often might be when you are already in a sexual mood. Some sexual fantasies reveal themselves on their own. You might move a partner's hand somewhere it has never gone before or whisper a secret desire in the heat of passion. Whatever it is, it might get a better response when you have their attention.

If they are distracted by something else, they could be more dismissive or not give it the due it is warranted. This will be even more likely if you are not in a good place in your relationship. If you are in the middle of a fight, then bringing up a sexual fantasy is not a good idea. The other person could take it as a threat or think themselves as inadequate. This is not specific to telling your boyfriend your sexual fantasy. However you identify, sexuality can be a tricky business. It works both ways and all ways.

If you are having a bad time in your relationship, telling your partner or boyfriend your sexual fantasy can be a good way to reignite earlier passions. As couples can often get too far into their own heads, this can in turn affect their sex life. releasing some of these tensions through fantasy can be helpful and encouraging. On the other hand, if things are going well, indulging in some roleplay or fantasy might bring it to that next level. Having more fun than you and your boyfriend are already having is a pretty good life goal.

How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy - Where and when to tell your boyfriend your sexual fantasy

Practical help

Unfortunately, not everyone is good with words like what I am well at doing. Some practical guidance might help a little. If you have found the right time and place, but the words aren't coming, you could leave a few hints.

If you have a sexual fantasy you are dying to tell your boyfriend, but can't express it orally, you could ask to borrow their computer. When you return it, there could be a few tabs left open. They could be tabs of porn sites with your particular fantasy displayed. You could even have this very webpage open and highlight the following:

Oh no! You have seen that I have been looking up ways to tell you my sexual fantasy, but as I am too shy to tell you outright, maybe you could take the initiative and bring it up yourself, you wonderful, open-minded, understanding person, you.

This depends on your partner. If they don't like or feel uncomfortable with porn, then they might get defensive and it could backfire. You could use other visual cues to put your point across. Dressing up in a sexy outfit might get them in the mood. If they like the lingerie, this could lead to handcuffs, which could lead to gags, and so on and so forth. Still, these are designed to be helpful hints, honesty is always the best policy.

How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy - Practical help

Once you're sure you want to reveal your sexual fantasy and have found the right time and place to do it, you will be able to assess the importance of having done so. This depends on each person's response.

If you have been focusing on a sexual fantasy because there have been problems in your relationship, saying it loud might be enough. Talking about these fantasies and being open with your partner might be all you need to help bring you closer. It could also be revelatory in another way. If your boyfriend or girlfriend reacts in a way which is antagonistic or they don't understand, it could be a sign of something else. Our sex lives can tell a lot about a relationship. If you are not on the same page in the bedroom (or in a forest, in the shovel of a JCB, the bathroom of a MacDonald's or wherever) then you may not be on the same page in other ways.

To be honest, if you are telling a long-term partner, then you should have some idea of how they will react. If you trust your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, then opening up to them about anything shouldn't be too much work. Of course, this is easier said than done. We human beings are often uncomfortable about intimacy which is why telling your boyfriend your sexual fantasy might be the key to unlocking some further happiness.

If the response is positive, the good news is that you can act on it. You can find practical ways to make the sexual fantasy happen. If your sexual fantasy requires instruments or some sort of complicated rigging, this could take time. If it's something pretty standard like hair-pulling or some light smacking, then a little less conversation and a little more action might be required. Whatever it is, make sure it is done for enjoyment and is expressed in a considerate and healthy way (even if your fantasy involves the person being less than considerate).

If you want to read similar articles to How to Tell Your Boyfriend Your Sexual Fantasy, we recommend you visit our Sentimental relationships category.

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